09 My Ideals

As a Korean show fanatic, I usually like to do the ideal type game and so on. I would like to do this via vBlog but I am not yet ready so Im writing it down for now so I’ll remember.

I don’t have a lot of ideal type but definitely I have standards and I have a deal breakers.

Ideals:

1. He went to Sunday masses, its okay if he miss some Sundays but he should have that kind of religiousness in him. (I know, I sound like an old soul but that’s who I am)

2. He should have dream and goals, I’m not into rich guy but  I’m into a person who can be rich because he has motivation.

3. He loves music. Because music comforts my soul. I’m into classical and and soft mellow so I don’t like rock and crazy. I’m into upbeat song where I can dance

 

 

To be continue… I’m late

07 I’m yours

Hi Apple Pie,

It’s me your cutie pie. I can’t believe I’m writing this to you in advance. I know you are also wondering if I do I exist, your dear soulmate but yes, I am just here waiting for you. I am not looking around, I will just wait for you, because you know what, I learned to stop searching, I begin to wait and believe in destiny and the invisible thread that binds me to you.

I hope with all your scars and pain, you will never lose hope on finding the one because our love would be a great tragedy if you lose that hope.

I am doing fine, by the way, doing my everyday battle to life, living in this very moment. I hope you too is awesomely fine. I admit I don’t have a lot of experience than you. I admit I am an innocent kid right now but I’m working to be a great match to you. I know you are working for that and I am just so excited to meet you soon.

My apple pie, can you hurry up because nowadays, I’m getting sad because some people that I thought would be my friend is slowly pushing me away but it’s fine, right? You are destined to be my best friend, my partner and my future.

If ever we meet this year, can we travel somewhere? I am excited to get to know you. I want to spend my day laughing and talking endlessly with you. Everyday would be a perfect date.

However, if we meet on the other year or so, can we get married soon? I’m just joking, I really like to crack some jokes you know. Those jokes helps me to get through to some of the painful things I get in life, actually, I have a lot of rejections, people often misunderstand me and slowly my self esteem is getting worst but I am working to be better because I know one day, I’ll find you and you’ll find me, then the search is over.

Apple pie, I’m yours. Somewhere, someday, we’ll meet and share our stories together.

XOXO

Cutiepie

02 My Thoughts

Another online journal

Maybe in two years time I’ll laugh about this, I’ll jump and giggle on those silly moments that I miss him.

I need to stop from here.

Now that he’s gone, I realise his potential as if I am on a talent show and I miss the back story of the most talented guy on earth.

Why do I keep of thinking about him?

Why do I miss him so badly?

Why do I need to think about him?

Why do I need him to listen to my stories?

Why do I keep sharing secrets and frustration?

Why do I even stalk and investigate things about him?

Why do I have to go through this and ask?

Is this because I figure out what is going on?

Is this because I am a real psychic who can foresee the future?

The future without him

Is this love or lust or maybe some kind of a joke.

He is actually ugly like a bulldog (though dogs are cute sometimes)

He is actually ugly like a monkey who needs some banana (though monkey are amazingly smart)

He is actually looks bad like a camel (though camel are very hardworking)

He is actually not worth it but I hate it (though I think I get attached a bit,  is it?)

I hate it so bad that I miss him that I can’t even understand

Maybe one day, I will forgot this

Yes, only time can tell but for now I think I’ll work hard to reach my goals

Yes, maybe for now I’ll do the best that I can to be pretty awesome than before.

 

06 Stray Cat

I am cat wondering and asking why do I feel that way to the one who raise me. I feel so alone today and disconnected again. I think I’m just too focus and engage to the idea of a perfect plan.

It was not a perfect life based on criteria and self assessment. I am so insecure on a lot of things like my weight and appearance, my health, my family and all. I don’t even know why can’t I be so proud of?

Maybe I’m into a crisis where I need to look around and do something to spice up my so normal routine. I was always up for challenge but ever since we move to gateway, I feel so sad and disconnected. I feel that this is not the job that I wanted to keep for a long time. Should I jump in to something uncertain. I know nothing will gonna happen if I choose to  chase my dream, after all if I am meant to stay then so be it.

Today gospel is so inspiring that it help me realise that to follow Christ, one must have a very firm yes no more fake promises.. Just follow Him.

I’m a stray cat, yes lost and wandering but will be back pretty soon with a big smile. 🙂

 

05 Game Over

It was an amazing game! This is the first time that I watch a live basketball game in Araneta Coliseum.

People are cheering, people are teasing and all I can do is be with them and then fall in love.

Today, I am a bit dizzy and crazy. I am still thinking about my messenger and facebook (f.y.i, I made a bet rather a challenge to myself that I can actually live without this two app on my phone) so here I am – resisting, trying to cheat in the most not so obvious way.

If you ask me why do I impose such challenge, it’s because I failed to go to Baguio and Manaog alone. I should have done that and should be happy sharing my one day pilgrimage and soul searching. I am really tempted to open it but I need to be discipline and pull my self together so snap back to reality that on Friday… I can go back to normal again.

Uh-oh, my stomach is growling and I am dizzy again because I am hungry. Every time I am hungry, I feel week and dizzy, is this even normal?

Back to the game, it was really intense first quarter game but as the game progress to the second quarter, it was so amazing how L.A. Tenorio keeps on scoring.

The game is over and they win just like how I will win on my challenge.

 

04 Why?

Someone asked me before why I am afraid to commit and fall in love?

Actually I told that person a lie that maybe I have other priorities but really it is because I am afraid to have another person that will get hurt when one day I vanish in thick air.

I am afraid to leave that person and make that person’s life miserable because I left.

I don’t want them to get hurt because of me and because of things that I can no longer do.

Maybe it’s a give and take situation, I would rather be someone who gets hurt and be left behind than make moments with them that will makes them hurt for a long time.

I know I am unfair but this is a decision that I have to choose everyday… or maybe until the right person finally found me and persist to make me believe that I should not be afraid and break this spell.

03 Unheard Rants

 

It’s a complicated friendship.

Why can’t we be like friends?

I mean, yes we used to date and I said bad stuff then sweet words like I’m crazy about him and all but those are the feeling of the moment and as far as I remember, it’s already gone. Like him, I can’t feel anything at all.

Maybe the only thing I can give him for now is being invisible.

Like I don’t exist… but who cares I will strive to be the best version of me and of course love myself. 🙂